Because

You could always read my silence.

I like how I never have to complete my sentences. I like how I never have to force and choke and spit out my words. I like how he manages to hear my smile and turns my frowns into grins.

It's times like this, that makes me wish.

I know, wishes are for fools.

3 more weeks before my stint at Legal Aid comes to an end (for now). I foresee endless days of reading, accompanied with coffee annnnnnd cookies. Or them soft pretzels. I can't wait. (:

Thank you, anyway. You, have always been amazing. (:

On the 200th.

Love.

Warning for sappiness ahead.

On my 200th post, I wanted it to be about .... Love.

Not just love in the romantic, makes you wanna twirl and swoon kinda love. But all sorts of love from your mother's, your daddy's, your best friend's, your dog's and everyone else who has been there for you. Because love, is grand (:

My heart's been in a bit of a weird funk recently but love, is still awesome. Even if boys are stupid and we should all throw rocks at them.

I once read the sweetest quote, from Gavin to the boy he loved.

"If you could see yourself just for a day,

you would see how everyone else sees you.

And my god, you are fucking beautiful."

Yes. ♥

Today's swedish phrase:

Du är vacker - which means you are beautiful.

Because right this moment,

I'm just a girl.

The country's in the midst of election fever the past few weeks and the question of one's party of choice never fails to come up in every single conversation. It might be too early to say, but in my constituency, I felt the choice was pretty clear. I have no impression, none whatsoever, of the opposition party. One would have thought that if you're going up against the PM, the least you could do was put up a good fight? Haha. I have to admit that I am not a staunch supporter of any party but neither am I anti-PAP. I simply voted for who I thought could better serve the needs of the constituency/country. In a nutshell, while I understand the arguments brought up by the Opposition, I did not hear any credible solutions to these problems that they found with the current government. It just seems like there was a lot of appeal to populist sentiments. I have to say that I believe and have more faith in PAP's policies, but also strongly believe that they can do so much better . And while there is indeed a need for opposition parties in parliament to act as checks against the PAP, at the end of the day, it's my view that they are still better equipped to run this country. 

Well, whichever party eventually comes into power, let's hope that improving the financial standings of the working folks and closing the widening chasm between rich and poor are some of the top few priorities.

On an entirely different note, it's 17 weeks to law school, to England, to a new chapter (: While I am extremely psyched for school, I am also very ... afraid. I know I shouldn't be and I'm in the process of overcoming this hurdle, but it's slow coming. Haha.. Anyway, I just bought my first 3 law texts for school yesterday! Interesting stuff and can't wait to get down to it once it arrives (: 

I think this change is gonna be good for me. Not just because I'm going to finally be able to do what I have been gunning for all these years, but also because I feel like it's a break that I desperately need. A time to be a lot more independent, to really stand on my own two feet. And for that, I'm excited. (:

One another note, it would also be good for me to meet new people. To let my heart be at ease, to concentrate on my studies, and not get sucked back into this mess that we sometimes call a casual...ship. Especially in the last few weeks where things between us have been swinging from one end to the other with barely time for me to catch hold of what's happening. You've been throwing me curveballs one after the next and while I threw some good ones back, I can't catch up. 

I woke up one Wednesday morning and wished so very hard, that things between us weren't so complicated. It kills the butterflies that I like, so very much, and it makes my insides clench and hurt. You asked me a question and I couldn't give you an answer. You wanted to know why but I said goodnight. I'm afraid to tell you what I really want because I somehow know that you'd only turn and run. I guess I've always known that at the end of the day, I'll never be what you really want. I would rather not take the risk of whatever it is that we have, falling apart. I would rather later, than sooner.

I wish there were a rulebook for intimacy. Some kind of guide to tell you when you've crossed the line. It would be nice if you could see it coming, and I don't know how you fit it on a map. You take it where you can get it, and keep it as long as you can. And as for rules, maybe there are none. Maybe the rules of intimacy are something you have to define for yourself.

Today's swedish phrase is a mushy one. Haha.

I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.

Jag är bara en flicka, som står framför en pojke och ber honom att älska henne.

If you could see yourself just for a day,

You would see how everyone else sees you.

And my god, you are fucking beautiful.

Can you believe it is almost December? Time is flying by really fast! So I've just submitted my law school application.. Finally. Heh. I had to spend an insane amount of time cutting it down. My first draft was 4 pages worth of rambling and after 2 weeks (I know, don't judge me. Haha.) I finally managed to whip it into a concise and coherent piece of work. :D So fingers crossed and wish me luck okay? :)

The past few weeks have been quite a whirlwind of events and I was also down with the longest bout of cough/sore throat/headaches which did not help things at all. I was fairly miserable and antisocial to be honest. Haha.. but everything's alright now... sorta. :) Work has been pretty stressful but I love it still.. It's already been 3 1/2 months now :) I'm hoping to do a court sesh this week if my work load permits, this one's quite a tough mediation and I really wanna sit in on it. Hopefully that works out!

Kris and I had a massive skype showdown over the midweek break. Hahaha. It was fun :) It's funny how situations and relationships evolve. More often than not, we always want things to stay the same but feelings fade, and people change.. Sometimes it really is for the better even though in the beginning, it might seem like it fucking hurts. But we learn to deal with it and we move on because with every lesson, we can only get a little bit wiser, a little bit more experienced :) I'm glad how we turn out and I hope we'll always always, be friends..... homs. Hahaha.

Someone had her heart thrown around a bit over the past week too. It's really scary, matters of the heart. But I guess that's why it's so exhilarating in the first place. Haha. It made me realise that being with someone for over a long period of time, does not necessarily mean that the both of you are set for life. All it takes, is one moment, with someone who can show you that he understands and knows you like the back of his hand. That one moment can so easily cast doubts on something that was built on a foundation of many years. One might say then that the foundation must not be that strong to begin with. But how would we ever know how strong something is, until it is truly tested? It also reminded me of something that Ryan once said (God I miss that boy.), that if we start holding hands out of habit, familiarity and not love, that's when we need to question what it is we really have.

But but but, let me make it clear that my stand is, cheating can never ever be justified, but everything else is fair game. Hahaha. And once you're married (or the equivalent)? Then you damn well hold her fucking hand until you drop dead. Lol.

Okay, enough talk about relationships. I was gonna do a piece relating to this,

Well, it is somewhat related to relationships but of a different nature. I guess this will have to wait.

2 swedish phrases before I go,

vägen till framgång - the road to success

tack samma det - appreciate it

Hjärt.

Emotions can be such annoying things to deal with, no? Love, hate, empathy, pity, anger, sadness. Exhilarating as some may be, it's those that twist your gut and make that lil red organ in your chest clench so tight you can barely breathe, that makes it all so difficult to deal with.

I have never denied being the sort that always stupidly, wears her heart on her sleeve. Yet I strive to be the sort that never gets herself lost in the whirlwind of emotions, to be able to have a better handle on all these pesky feelings, to not let them cloud my judgement should there come the need to make one. Well..... I'm still working on that.

The resemblance was uncanny. The shy, yet cheeky way of speech, the glimpses of blasé nonchalance, it almost felt like I was bantering with you.

I wish, I want, I yearn.

Time for some swedish!: 

själ - which means soul. 

kropp och själ - would mean body and soul.

hjärt - heart 

mitt hjärta - my heart

jävla dum - which means fucking stupid.

And that is all.

Because some things

will always remain.

I miss
The way he holds my hand
The way he hugs me
How he sings into my ear
And how I had to stand on my tippy toes,
for his kiss.

Today's swedish phrase is, Ska vi dansa? Which means, shall we dance?

Kata-Noi

Hangover.

Truly awesome. Beautiful, beautiful. I only wish it were longer.

Swedish word before we go, solnedgång, which means sunset. Vacker solnedgång, beautiful sunset.

518 was E P I C.

An excerpt that someone sent (:

you are who you are for a reason

you're part of an intricate plan.

you're a precious and perfect unique design,

called god's special woman or man.

the parents you had were the ones he chose,

and no matter how you may feel,

they were custom-designed with his plan in mind,

they bear the master's seal.

no, that trauma you faced was not easy.

and god wept that it hurt you so.

but it allowed to shape your heart,

so that into his likeness you'd grow.

No particular/specific preaching but I thought it was beautiful (:

I've gone through a few rough patches in recent weeks, dealt more blows than I thought my heart could withstand. I got mad, I got jealous, I got so revengeful it made me scared. I teared, I cried, and I bawled because it felt like the hurt would never stop. Something else fell apart even before I could fix what had already broken.

But it did tamper off, slowly but surely, it did trickle away. I confided and I spilled to my heart's content. Verbal diarrhea he called it. He listened, he loved, and then he made me laugh. He said it'll be okay, and strangely, I believed. Then they listened, they gave me hugs, they thought it through with me, and then they made me laugh. They say, it'll be okay.

And it is okay. I have love, I have good people around me. So now after dusting my knees, I stand up a little straighter, my heart's a little sturdier and my resolve in getting there, a little stronger. I'll still get scared, I know I'll still cry. I did lose some things that I held dear, after all. But as I was once told, tears are like the safety valves of your heart, when the pressure gets too much, once you let it out, you'll laugh again, you will. 

I think I just had a verbal diarrhea again. Haha.

So many people stumble upon my blog because they googled, 'Give crowns and pounds and guineas but not your heart away'. Lol, what a strange phrase to google! Heh!

Today's Swedish word is, styrka. Which means, strength (:

Top of the World

is where you and I stand.



Isn't this gorgeous? I came across it on one of my friend's wall on FB.

"Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure."

This rollercoaster ride you have her on, leaves her breathless every time. Exhilaration and utter glee to a torrent of tears and endless fears. You break her heart, shatter the pieces, melt them down and then form her a brand new one.. Every. Single. Time. It's a process so tragically beautiful that she can't bring herself to walk away.

Today's Swedish word is: söt, which means sweet. To use it in a sentence, you can say, en söt liten flicka, which means a sweet little girl.
Swedish phrase is: sakta men säkert, which means slowly but surely.

Contentment

Because you led me to it.

Spontaneous meet up with Kit on saturday night. Was fun. Been awhile since we really sat and talked lateee into the night, or rather, morning (: You're such a reflective drunk, matey. Heh.

Drey is bacckk! Dinner, coffee, cruising. It was awesome catching up and I always love the long discussions we end up having. (: As Mark Twain said, 'really great people make you feel that you, too, can become great.' It's the company we keep, indeed.

I miss Sweden and Norway and the snow. Alexandra says I'm crazy and that I can visit Ice Bar. Kris says I'm crazy and snow will make me frigid and unwanted. Hanssen says I should buy a plane ticket...... to Tristan da Cunha. There are volcanoes.
I say, scandinavian men clearly abuse their right to freedom of speech. It should be revoked.

In Tears, In Smiles, In Late Nights Dusted with Sugar.

i've got all these words, phrases, thoughts all jumbled up in my head but i feel like i'm having a massive indigestion where the words just refuse to come through, to lie where they're supposed to. very much reminiscent of those english exercises we had to do in primary school, rearranging the chaotic order into a coherent string of thought.

i've never been good at saying goodbye; these farewells happen far too often for my liking. there's barely enough time to appreciate and savor the comfort that familiarity brings before the slate is once again wiped clean. like those dances that people do, going round in a circle, switching partners every minute or two. you grasp a hand that seemed to slide perfectly into yours, as though your hand was made to fit hers. yet no chance to ask her name before she's tugged away by the next change in the thumping beats. these fleeting moments of perfection, how surreal and bittersweet.

it's a well-known fact, the soft spot she's always had for him. he looks, in a way that makes her feel she's worthy. he cares, in a way that leaves her oddly nice and warm. it's the subtle squeeze on her neck as he passes, the affectionate way he ruffles her hair. even in a room full of people towering over her, he never ever forgets, to say hello. he never ever forgets, to hug her goodbye.
so even though he steps out to take a call. even though it's clear as day, the affection in the tone of his voice as he speaks. she breathes easy, because the friendship is enough now she thinks. it's more than enough.

joseph conrad once said, to have his path made clear for him is the aspiration of every human being in our beclouded and tempestuous existence.
that is never more true in this age of a myriad of emotions and fickle dreams. we could all do with a little help from the windscreen wiper every once in a while; just to keep us on track so we don't lose our focus on the finishing line. i might have stumbled and fumbled and strayed a little off tangent along the way, but i'm glad to be back on track now. persevere, jasmin. glorious things come to those who fight for it (:

we played "I've never" late last night into the wee hours of the morning. but instead of shots of alcohol, we had shots of pure, unadulterated bliss...... meaning, sugar. needless to say, i didn't get very much sleep before heading off to work. a perfect start to my last day as a onelegal intern (:
expensive sushi treat from patsy, the IP lawyer. court in the afternoon, which is always fun for me. chocolate and gossip in the tiny room in the corner in the evening, which is also always fun (: and that marks my last day (:

I think I fell in love

and you smiled because you always knew.
5 hours passed and i'm still glad i made the call, even though i know that everyone else and their moms would think it was a bad idea. an epic catastrophe. but for some reason or another, i just knew that you'd understand, and you did.
a strong, quiet assurance that i needed, i never knew i had been holding my breath all this while.

so thank you for sparing me that time. thank you for making me feel that much better.

it's friday night, and i think it'll be a quiet hang out with the girls this time.


indeed, a fucked up fairy tale i'd never trade.